Love. I love a lot of things. I love listening to music. I love going to the beach. I love dancing. I love my computer. I love chocolate. These are all activities or inanimate objects.
When I was twelve or thirteen years old, I used to get crushes on girls in my class. I used to fantasise about being in relationships with them. Back then I thought maybe there was a chance that I might get a girlfriend. But now, looking back, I can see how stupid it was. I never asked these girls for a date -- I barely even spoke to them -- I didn't know anything about them, really. So the attraction was based on looks, and surface qualities. The thought of calling these girls or asking them out was totally alien to me -- I didn't seriously consider it. I was waiting for them to make the first move. The whole thing was pointless -- I think the only reason it occupied so much of my mind was because I had been conditioned by society to want a girlfriend -- all that stuff about couples on the T.V. and in pop-songs and in human mythology thoughout the ages. Everything seemed to point to the fact that getting a girlfriend was normal and that I would one day end up with one. But I knew that people don't usually find true love at the age of twelve or thirteen. So I waited, thinking maybe I'll fall in love at the age of seventeen or eighteen. After all, you never know what's around the corner. But I didn't fall in love, never ever, not at all.
Some of you might be saying, "Well, you're only twenty three, maybe it will still
happen." But I know it won't. And you might say, "How do you know it won't? You just don't
know." But I DO know. I can't prove it, but I know what I'm like inside. I've never shown
any interest in becoming more than friends with a member of the opposite sex -- the
romantic love feelings just aren't there -- over the past twenty-three years it's become
clear that I'm not capable of such feelings. If you asked me to describe my ideal
woman, the woman I'd like to marry, I wouldn't be able to do it because for me there
is no ideal. I wouldn't like to spend the rest of my life with anyone, no
matter how perfect -- I need to have my solitude at home.
Friends -- I ought to say a few words about that, before I continue, just to
clarify the last paragraph. I don't have any really close friends, no one I can really
talk to -- no one I can really joke around with, either -- I'm not a friendly person --
I like to stay in my own world -- in my courses I've met people that I like, and
sometimes I do things with them like go to their parties or go out places with them,
always in groups of three or more. Maybe you could call them friends, maybe just
acquaintances -- the point is, the relationships are fleeting. They don't last. The
course is the thing that keeps the friendships going, and when the course
ends, the friendships end. It doesn't matter to me. I've never felt the need to
prolong friendships. Back in secondary school I didn't have any friends at all, and it
didn't bother me back then either.
But I digress. What I really want to talk about here is the lack of love for
my family. This is something I'd NEVER talk to my family about because I know they
don't want to hear it. No one wants to hear it. But I don't love my family. I've never
loved them. Even back when I was a child, I remember not loving them. I don't hate
them -- I mean, some people might feel sometimes like they hate their family,
for one reason or another, but deep down they still love them. Like, for instance,
maybe a daughter would hate her father because he's been sexually abusing her -- maybe
she'd even hate him so much that she doesn't love him anymore, or maybe not. The
point is, she would have a REASON for not loving him. I don't have a reason. My
parents never abused me -- they were (and are) very good parents, both very
intelligent with high moral standards and they did a GOOD JOB of raising three
children, compared with some parents I've seen. They love me, and they show it.
My sisters, too -- I've never had any major conflict with them, nothing that would
cause me to hold a lifelong grudge. And all my other relatives. They all love me.
But I don't really care deeply about any of them. If my parents were to die, it
would be a hassle. It would be inconvenient. They wouldn't be able to pay my
TAFE fees anymore, and I wouldn't be able to use Dad's web-space anymore. But I
wouldn't feel that deep-down grief and sadness that society tells me I'm
supposed to feel. In fact, if my whole family got wiped out somehow, like in a
car accident or something, I wouldn't feel like it's any great loss.
Do you see what I'm saying here? I'm saying that I don't love anybody, not
even my family. I have no control over it -- I couldn't love them if I tried. I
could tell them I love them, but it would be a lie. I could tell myself
that I love them, but that would be self-delusion. Does that make me a bad person?
I say NO! It doesn't!
The thing is, this kind of sets me apart from the whole of society. There's
no support group for people who are unable to love, because I'm the only one. It's
not even the kind of thing you need a support group for -- I mean, if anything it's
an advantage because I don't have to worry about lost love, which is one of the main
sources of grief and misery in the world. I hear songs about it all the time on
the radio and I can't identify with them. And this is where alienation comes in. I mean,
stereotypically, a person who has a lot of love for people around them is regarded
as a Good Person, because they are kind to everyone and they spread happiness and
positivity. A person with no love is regarded as a Bad Person, or at least a
misguided person, because they treat people with anger and hatred, and spread
negativity around. But this is a myth. For a start, there IS no-one without love (except
me) -- I mean, even the most evil people, like Hitler and Stalin, have love for
their families and friends and stuff. And secondly, a person with no love does NOT treat
people with anger and hatred, they treat people with indifference. I treat everyone the
same -- with respect, no matter who they are. I know that if I treat people with
respect, they will treat me with respect and that will be best for ME.
From what people say, you'd think that a life without love is not worth living.
You'd think love for a fellow human being is essential in any person's life. If
that's true, then I may as well kill myself right now, 'cause there's no way I can
force myself to love someone. But it's not true. I can be happy -- through doing
things that I enjoy, through keeping myself entertained, through having the right
attitude -- I don't need close personal relationships with other people. I'm a good
person -- never causing trouble, never getting angry, always helping people out
when they ask me to; you'd never see me trying to screw someone over for my own gain.
It's all about keeping up the appearance of being a decent man so that people
will treat me like one -- but it's nothing to do with love.