I'm a virgin. I'm not one of these virgins who deliberately abstains from sex because of religious or moral reasons -- I'm not 'waiting for the right girl to come along' -- but I'm also not one of these virgins who is constantly trying to lose their virginity. No, I'm an apathetic virgin -- I don't care whether it happens or not. The reason I don't have sex is because I don't actively pursue it, and I don't get into situations where people request it of me. And the reason I don't pursue it is because I don't think it would be very good. You see, I'm one of these people who doesn't like to be touched -- I'd feel uncomfortable with someone else's skin touching mine to that extent -- it's not like I'd freak out or anything, I just probably wouldn't feel comfortable with it and therefore it wouldn't be as enjoyable as it's supposed to be. Just being in the same room as someone is enough to make me uneasy and inhibited. The only way I can fully enjoy erotic feeling is when I'm all alone.
When I get sexually aroused, I don't feel the urge to have sex with someone -- I get the urge to touch myself. It doesn't happen on a regular basis -- just to give you some idea of how often it happens, let me give you the figures from 1998 (I keep a record of these things). In 1998 I had 94 orgasms resulting from masturbation. That means an average of 7.83 orgasms a month, or 1.81 per week. I don't have a "routine" for masturbation, unlike most things in my life.
I'm not sure, but I think I do it differently from everyone else. 'Cause from what I've heard, it's meant to be a pulling action, right? Grasping it and pumping the skin back and forth? I don't do it that way. For me it's a pushing action -- laying my hand down on top of it and pressing it. 'Cause that way... oh to explain I'll have to back up a bit and talk about when I first started doing it. I started at the age of thirteen or fourteen or something, and during the early days there was not much semen. But after the first few orgasms the amount of semen began to increase and I began to realise that this could be kind of a messy habit. 'Cause the thing about semen is, it goes everywhere. At first I thought I could hold it in, kinda like urine, but that didn't work and I began to dislike masturbation, 'cause like, every time I'd do it, I'd regret it. So a few times I resolved that I'd never do it again. But of course, that didn't stick.
I used to do it when I was alone in my room, or sometimes in the T.V. room which was down the end of the house away from the bedrooms, late at night after the rest of my family had gone to bed. I never got caught doing it, mainly because I could hide it quickly when I heard someone coming. The tricky part was finding a method which would result in no spillage of semen. After a lot of practice and experimentation I finally figured out a way to get all the pleasure with none of the mess. I found out that one can block the flow of semen by pressing down so hard on the base of the penis that some sort of tube in there gets blocked -- and meanwhile I can continue to rub it (with the same hand) so as to continue to get pleasure until the orgasm dies away. So nowadays whenever I have an orgasm, it's not messy, and it's not shameful. Things have been a lot easier since I started living by myself. Usually it happens when I'm watching the soft porn that appears on T.V. at night -- I record bits of it on videotape and play it back repeatedly. But I've found that it's best to turn the videotape off a minute before orgasm, and just close my eyes and imagine the nudity in my mind until it comes -- I don't know why, but that always results in a better orgasm than if I leave the video on throughout. Also, I've found that it feels much better if I have complete silence in the room during the climax -- less sensory distractions means I can concentrate more on the pleasure. Some of the best orgasms I've had have been late at night in my bed, before I go to sleep, with no aid from the television at all.
I'm going to talk now about some (read: 'all') of the weird places I've masturbated in. I once did it in the back seat of my parents' car, when my parents were in the front seat, and we were on a long road trip somewhere. This was many years ago. I had a pillow and a blanket on my lap, and I put my hand under there and started doing it -- my parents didn't notice, because my hand was the only part of me that was moving, and that was hidden from view. They couldn't have noticed, because they didn't turn around throughout the whole experience, and I didn't make any sound that could be heard above the car engine. By the time I got out of the car, many hours later, the orgasm had completely died away and whatever small leakage had dried.
Early 1998 I was at St Kilda beach and it was a hot day so the beach was very crowded. I was lying on my towel, on the sand, by myself, and these two young women came and sat in front of me -- that is, they were really sitting behind me but I was lying on my stomach facing them -- anyway, one of them took off her bikini top and started sunbathing topless. This is the kind of thing that happens often at St Kilda beach, but not usually at such close range. Anyway I was staring at these women but I had my sunglasses on so they couldn't see my eyes. I got an erection, and became more and more aroused because the prolonged sight of the breasts was such a strong stimulus. After a few minutes I thrust my pelvis down into the sand ever so slightly (up until that moment I hadn't moved at all) and that's when I had an orgasm. Now keep in mind that I hadn't touched the penis with my hands at all -- the orgasm was induced solely by the sight of the nudity and triggered off by the slight friction of the sand down there. I don't know if the women noticed my slight movement, but they certainly wouldn't have known that I'd had an orgasm, because I didn't change my facial expression. No one else could have noticed either. I kept lying there for another fifteen minutes or something, with my head turned to the side. Then I got up and had a swim.
This next thing happened at the beach too -- at the same beach, although not on the same day. In fact this happened a year later. I had an orgasm while I was swimming. The beach is such an arousing place, and when I'm neck-deep in the water no one can really see what I'm doing with my hands down there. So masturbating in the water is relatively easy and risk free, and there's no need to worry about leakage. The one difficult factor is the coldness of the water -- it's kinda hard to get an erection in cold water. But it's not impossible, and with all the bare skin on display at the beach, I managed to ejaculate. No one noticed. It made me wonder how often men do this in the water, and whether the whole beach is polluted with human semen as a result.
Lastly, I once had an orgasm when I was sitting on a plastic chair at the beach, at night time, and there were people all around. This happened on the night of the St. Kilda festival in 1999, it was a warm night and people were lingering in groups all along the beach after the festivites were over. I was sitting on this chair alone looking out over the black water when I saw some people swimming -- including two women, one of them topless, the other one completely naked. I watched them and got aroused. They were just close enough to see clearly, yet far away enough to make me totally detached from the scene. The ladies lingered for quite a while both in and out of the water -- the topless one went in, then came out walking slowly and sensously, dripping with water -- then stopped in the shallows and bent down to splash some more water on herself. I laid my right hand on my left thigh. I pressed down with my forearm. I kept exerting pressure in that sensitive area and wiggled it ever so slightly. Still looking at the naked women. Finally it happened. The people behind me might have noticed that my arm was laid a little too firmly in my lap, but they never would have guessed that I'd had an orgasm. I was silent and still.
To call a man a 'wanker' is an insult -- it means a guy who masturbates, but I don't know why it's an insult, 'cause every guy does it, and it's not something to be ashamed of. I don't feel bad that my entire sexual experience has been limited to masturbation -- this is what's best for me. Not that I'd go boasting about it to everyone I meet -- In fact, in real life if you asked me if I masturbate, I'd probably say "None of your business." People used to say it caused blindness or craziness. Nowadays people have a more enlightened attitude towards masturbation, but the stigma attached to it hasn't completely worn off. So it remains a secret thing, unspoken about. And that's how it will remain with me, although this hard-to-get-to web page gives me a chance to tell you a few things that I wouldn't tell anyone in real life.