March 17, 1995 -- Day On Which I Had An Appointment with Darkseid at 11am_________________________ __________________(names changed)
Oh dear it looks like the space-restrictions are catching up with me. I'll try to write only the important stuff, today. Shortly after breakfast I caught a tram to the city and there I bought a new pair of scissors and two "Justice League" comic books. I went on another tram to Albert Park but I was still a bit early for my eleven o'clock appointment so I bought some biscuits and "Skittles" in a 7/11 where there were heaps of teenagers milling around. I went into Alpha Terrace at 10:53 and David Darkseid saw to me straight away -- it didn't look like he had anything better to do. He asked if I was going to be reasonable or difficult today -- I said reasonable, since that was the only answer he'd accept. There was no laughter in this session, just him trying to persuade me to change my attitude and me sitting there with the tired and harrowed face. I had a few things prepared to say to him, but I didn't get the opportunity to say them, I just defended myself as best I could. As he attacked my attitude from all angles, and estimated what the other minions of misery were thinking of me, I grew more and more miserable, because I hate to be the one everyone's against, and I hate being criticized. I can imagine he saw the tears in my eyes and thought that he was getting through to me, that I was bending. The words "I'm sick of this crap, I'm going" were in my mouth but they didn't come out. He gave me his stupid summary of what life requires of me, and asked what I thought, and I said "I'd sooner die". He said, "That's certainly an option, but a rather silly one." He went on to talk about all the positive things that could result from a change of attitude. Soon afterwards the session was over and I left there still on the verge of tears. I thought about all the things I should've said to him and decided I'd better write him a letter, and if he's not willing to read it then I'll refuse to see him anymore. I don't want to go back there anyway -- that's what I'll tell Catherine, and if she says I don't have to go then I'll post the letter, 'cause there are things that need to be said to that guy. He doesn't understand the logic that I have on my side. I caught the tram to the city, then to Bundoora.
When I got back at 12:37 I had lunch. I had to knock on the door of the kitchen to get it -- I wouldn't have done it but I noticed lunch was fish 'n chips so I couldn't resist it. Anyway I got back to the diary writing which I still had to catch up on, but then Lois said that she was locking the upstairs. I said It's Friday, she said Yes but there's a reason, I said What's the reason, she said None of your business. Friggin' Lois she don't play fair. I went down to the dining room to write -- at one point I saw Kara having a fight with Cara, which was exciting, and later I saw Kara sprinting away from the ward and Torah runing after her for some reason. Torah brought Kara back and settled her down. Both Kara and Bea were shouting abuse and mutinous talk about the staff, and they put me in a very rebellious mood what with the lock-up and all. I went up to the alcove and scratched the wall and started my letter to Darkseid. Barbara the social-worker came by and said she'd organised an appointment with Denham house on Thursday. I've got until then, at least. My letter to Darkseid is coming along well, with finely-crafted logical talk. At dinner Torah sat with me and talked and tried to make me smile -- but she got the impression that I didn't like her sitting there. Dang it I'm sick of giving her the wrong impression. She asked if I'd like to come and sit with the concrete-slab gang later and talk -- I said yes, but deep down I knew I wouldn't unless she asked me again later. So my answer seemed rather untrue over the next few hours as I sat in my room and wrote you the diary and listened to the folks on the concrete slab outside chatting from a distance. But then at supper-time Torah invited me to watch the pool-game, then to have a cuppa and then at last to sit outside. It was at that point everyone noticed Kyle lying on the living-room floor naked, having a bowel movement, and of course they all pitied him and were disgusted. I was just relieved that it didn't happen in my room, like last time. I went outside and sat with Torah and Guy and Ted and a few older people and they talked on a wide range of subjects. I just said a few words and I was angry at myself for not saying more. Torah's getting this picture of me as a meek, sensitive shy type who gets frightened at the thought of romance. But forget about it -- rumour has it that she's leaving on Monday, worse luck. Eventually she and Guy left -- I think she needed to speak to him on a personal matter. Soon after that I got bored and went back inside. It had been fun. It's only 9:58 now -- I should still be out there, 'cause Bea's out there now and she is interesting to listen to, but forget it I'm too gutless. Hmmm. Maybe I am just a meek sensitive shy type, but not in the way Torah thinks. I woke up at 6:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep. Sorry, I should've written that first instead of last.
March 18, 1995
Today was an action packed day as far as my social-life was concerned, and it was all related to the patient Torah. Actually her name's Tora, without an h, as I found out today. But the action started last night as I was reading my comic-book and Tora walked into the spare-lounge silently so I said "hello". Not like her to wait for me to say it. There followed an in-depth discussion in which she seemed so gentle, so vulnerable, almost frightened, and she asked me what was wrong, and I said everyone seems to be against me, and she said "I'm not against you", and she went on to talk about friendships and relationships and she proposed that we become friends and keep it our little secret, and I said we don't need to keep it a secret, and that led her to express her real wish, that we become boyfriend and girlfriend, until Monday. She cast her eyes down as she said it, as if expecting a humiliating knockback. I asked how it would be different from a normal friendship, and she explained it sort of. After a brief interruption I said it was confusing 'cause I didn't know what was expected of me. She said I just needed to be myself, and she'd be herself, and I said "I can do that", and so the deal was made. She requested that I keep it a secret, because she didn't want other people prying into her business. So there we were, sharing a secret, and I couldn't've been happier or more excited over the next few hours, at the thought of having a girlfriend, but she must have mis-read my face 'cause several times she told me not to be scared and that she'd protect me, and she asked if I was still spinning out. This was while we were watching the end of "Xanadu" with Bea -- she sat beside my couch and at one point in the movie she held my hand for about half a minute. And all the while Bea was bathing in the warm glow of Olivia Newton-John, worshipping her. It was about 11:30 when Tora and I went to bed -- I took ages to get to sleep. I was ecstatic, like, I'd been dreaming all my life of having a girlfriend, and now, just like that, I had one. It was like one of my fantasies had come true.
I got up and spent a while mucking around and watching TV upstairs. After 11 I got down to finishing the Darkseid letter. Tora came into my room several times, both before and after lunch -- she checked out my tapes, and it seems like she's into heavier music than me, but nothing's perfect. She said I should write a letter to her, so I set about the task. I wrote about the same stuff like I wrote to Karra, except in a more condensed form -- I told her about my plan to stay here etc. I did the last part of the writing downstairs, and Tora was constantly asking if I was finished and she said "Are you O.K.?" and "You look upset today". What is it with my face that she thought I was upset. I finished the letter and gave it to her. She took it away and read it. A long time later she came back with a short letter of reply, and as she gave it to me she said, "You'll probably yell at me when you read it." I read it, then I took it up to my room and read it over and over with a worse sinking feeling each time. Nausea. See, here's the deal -- she commented on my plan to stay in here, and basically, in a roundabout way, she said it was wrong. She said she didn't think any less of me, but she hinted that I ought to learn to take risks, in that big wide world -- her letter was so short, and to the point, and she didn't say one positive thing without adding a "but" -- it was like, I was expecting my letter to add a breath of life to the relationship, like what happened with Karra on Valentine's Day, but instead when she read the letter she was turned off, perhaps because the truth was so distasteful. I had a horrible picture of David Darkseid being right, i.e. the only reason people like me is because they don't know the truth about me. I didn't really believe that, but I was thinking Tora had lost interest in me and that I was no longer her boyfriend proper. And that she would no longer want to talk to me except to counsel me like a minion of misery. I felt so surprised, so let down and brought back to earth, but I didn't cry or act dazed, because you know how it is with love -- I only feel about the other person as much as they feel about me. That's why I got out the stereo and played my jazz music instead of my experimental chaotic music -- at least, that's the way it should have happened, but they were both on the same tape so I couldn't be bothered changing the tapes. Anyway my disastrous interpretation of the situation was lessened somewhat when Tora came into my room and we had an awkward discussion in which I said she always mis-read my face, and she ended up saying "You're getting p***ed off at me aren't you" and I said no but from the way she walked out of there you'd think I'd said yes. So it was like she hadn't lost interest in me.
After Hey Hey, at supper time, I was invited to sit with Bea, Connie, and Tora in the dining room and they told me about their adventurous exploits in the old abandoned Ward North 7. Tora showed me a poem that she'd wrote, it was a love poem, I don't know if it was directed towards me or not -- when I'd finished reading it I said, "It's an excellent poem, very meaningful, very eloquent." Little did she know that's the stock phrase I use whenever I'm required to comment on poetry. I don't know what's going on. Later when we were alone she said I'm welcome to knock on her door any time, if I wanted to talk, and she doesn't bite. But she didn't say anything in the soft gentle tones that she used last night. Oh what happened to that subdued mood she was in. I can't initiate a talk with her -- I have nothing to talk about. She still touches my hands sometimes, and I love it when she does that. I guess I'm just feeling blue because I don't speak with her enough and she doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Just forget about it and pretend I don't care -- that's the only thing I can do.